….anxiety….

Like always a time of cheer and happiness is interrupted with the dark cloud of anxiety. 

So a lot of stuff has been going on in the past week. It has caused me to have possible the worse anxiety of my life. This is saying something because my second year of college was hell. I was paranoid that the fire alarm was going to go off that I didn’t sleep and was scared to take showers because in my head as soon as I washed my hair it would go off. It got worse to the point where I would have panic attacks so bad that I would hide in my closet. 

This week might be worse. Over this past weekend I couldn’t sleep and even now sleep isn’t easy. I also have physical effects starting to show. The main thing that has started is that my hands are staring to shake. It’s kinda like when you are cold and start to shiver. It gets worse at times but it’s there pretty much all the time. 

So what is causing this sudden increase in anxiety? 

Well it’s a long story but I’ll try to make it short. My grandma has something wrong with here where her legs give out when she walks. It’s part of a larger thing that I don’t fully understand or know the name of. Her legs gave out on her last week and fell in our living room. Since then she has been over reacting with things like calling an ambulance to take her to the hospital for a sprained ankle. They gave her a boot to wear which caused her to fall more than she normally does. With her falling so much her caretaker has to write down when she falls. 

That’s the over view of what caused it but there is so many small things that happened from it that is causeing my anxiety to go crazy. The caretaker over reacts and I’ve heard her talk to my grandma about calling an ambulance over stupid things like taking her to the doctor. I also just worry that my grandma is going to hurt herself too. 

The biggest thing tho is this fear that I’m going to be homeless. This is a legit thing that might happen  to me. My grandma lives with my mom and I and it’s been this way my whole life. If she is taken away than my mom and I can’t afford to live in our house. I have no idea what would happen to us. It would also cause a emotional downward spiral for my mom which in turn would affect me. My whole life would be turned upside down and get dark and scary. 

The only thing I have that is keeping me halfway stable is my mom. I have to keep it together for my mom because she can’t know that I’m worried. It makes my anxiety 10x worse because I have no one to talk to about what I’m thinking and feeling but at the same time it’s forcing me to keep it together. 

I hope things will get better soon and we can have a good Christmas. 

💜✌🏻️😔

untitled

This post is me just free writing because of how I feel. It will be random so just pretend it doesn’t exist. 

I think I might run away. If I could drive right now I would already be gone somewhere. I want to go some place where no one knows who I am and I don’t have to worry about anything going on in my life. It’s better to be alone in a place full of people who could care less about you than living a life surrounded by people who make you feel horable. It’s better to not be able to contact anyone then be ignored by people when you need them. It’s better to be alone in the world that with people who make you feel too many emotions. I want to leave. I hate my life right now and it just keeps getting worse. My day can ether get better or worse and I’m guessing it will be way worse. I have so many emotions right now I am physically shaking and can’t sit still. I have no one. No one at home. No friends. Just me. I can’t go anywhere or do anything. Well there is lots of stuff I could… things were going so well. I was going to make cookies today for my mom. She was going to get Starbucks hot chocolate on her way home and we were going to eat Christmas cookies and watch Christmas movies. That’s not going to happen. This year Christmas was going to be good. We all had presents and the tree is up which hasn’t happened in years. In the past I have only gotten 3 things because we didn’t have money. I didn’t care because I love Christmas for the happiness and magic not for the gifts. When I was little one of my favorite Christmas things was our birthday cake we had for Jesus. It wasn’t anything big, literally one year it was a cupcake, but we could light a candle and sing happy birthday. Now I like finding (and mostly making) the perfect gifts for people. It’s so unlike me because I normally just want everything about me but Christmas is diferent. My body can’t take all the emotions. I’m actually crying tears without even wanting to. I never cry. I’m mad at my grandma. I’m worried about our life. I’m scared because I’m alone. It’s too much and I can’t take it. 

Just because it’s hard…

..it doesn’t have to be bad. 

While looking for Christmas presents for my girlfriend, at the same time I’m emailing her about a disagreement, I remembered how un-normal our relationship really is. 

For starters it’s still a secret from pretty much everyone. We have been dating for almost two years now (that’s kinda a crazy thing to think about) and no one fully knows about the relationship. I think her mom knows but that’s it. It’s super annoying at times. When we are in a disagreement or miss each other we have no one to talk about our feeling to besides each other. Yep…when we are mad at each other we talk to each other about it….

This is weird and seems unconventional in most relationships but it works. I think it’s one thing that has helped us stay together so long without any huge fights. Don’t get me wrong, we have had arguments, but we talk it out, try to fix the problem, then go on. 

One night about a year ago now we got in probably our biggest fight. I can’t even tell you what it was about now because it was just a miscommunication but what came out of it was amazing. We hadn’t talked for a while and then started emailing each other about our feelings which switched from  anger to sadness and crying. Then we ended up on FaceTime talking about so much stuff and saying I love you for the first time. 

That’s the beauty I see in our relationship. Together we turned one of the worst times into one of my favorites. 

So tonight while emailing about a little disagreement she did something else that made me love her even more. She wrote “her” in an email…that’s it. That one word make me want to just hug her and never let go.  It’s probably stupid to most people but deep down I’m super sentimental person. 

It’s these little moments I have to hold on to when I’m sobbing in bed because I miss her so much. I have to remember how she makes my life better when I think about how much easier it would be to have a girlfriend who was close. I have to remember the unbelievable twists-of-fate that has happened so I can have the best girlfriend 

✌🏻️💕😘

Lola

i overthink life….

…and I have a love/hate relationship with that. 

The holidays are upon us and what should be a time for happiness is the opposite. This isn’t a new phenomenon for me so I should expect it at this point but I never do. 

Tonight was one of the worst nights I have had in a while. It caused me to really think about things. 

I live with my grandma and my mom. Tonight my grandma came out to our living room where I was watching tv with my mom and said the dog needed water. My mom said she would get it and we kept watching the show. My grandma then sits next to the dogs water bowl and (loudly) talks to our dog about how she eventually get water as soon as someone gets off there lazy behinds and gets it instead of watching tv. My mom paused the show mid rant and reminded my grandma she was going to get it. My grandma continued to say the dog hasn’t had anything to drink for 2 days (which is a lie because I gave her water a few hours before this) and we should care about the dog. 

I really do try to keep my mouth shut but I couldn’t. I told her she should get the water then since she’s just sitting there not doing anything and she’s so concerned about it. Then my grandma told me I am the meanest person she’s ever met. I ignored her because I get told this at least once a day and saying anything makes it worse. She just kept repeating herself until I told her that she tells me that 5 times a day so I got it. 

(Remember how I said it gets worse if I say anything? Well here it is) 

She then told me that she doesn’t tell me I’m the meanest person 5 times a day. She also tells me i am rude, a lire, insensitive and a jerk too. I don’t cry often but I had my feelings hurt so bad I went to my room sobbing. 

I hear all those things about me and more everyday from her and just ignore. Today was different tho because she said every nasty world like she whole heartedly believed them and that hurt. Someone who has lived with me my whole life and I have so many great memories with things I am one of the worst people in the world. If that wasn’t messed up enough if you asked her about me she would tell you how great and wonderful and smart I am. 

After like 10 minutes of my mom and grandma screaming at each other my mom called me back out to the living room so we could finish the show. Now you would think that she would ask if I’m ok or something knowing that I left sobbing. Nope….nothing like that happened. She told me that I must like it because I just ask to be called thoes things. I ask to be yelled at because I say things back to her.

 So my mom blamed me for causing a problem and I shouldn’t be upset because I asked for my feelings to be hurt. I guess the problem is me. My mom turned the show back on and i sat on the couch curled up under my blanket crying as hard as you can while being quiet. 

Sitting on the couch at that moment I understood why people feel like the world would be better without them in it. 

I thought about my life. I don’t do well at college because I have no one to talk to and do things with so I get depressed and just want to go home. Yet at the same time my grandma thinks I’m nothing but a piece of garbage and my mom gets mad because I do everything to cause fights and get my feelings hurt. They think I’m happy there but that’s just because I can’t show any of my feeling or emotions because they are all my fault. 

So what’s the point of even being around if ether way I’m just going to be miserable? 

At that point I texted the only person I know who could not make me feel like a worthless nobody who deserved to die…Sophia. Yeah I was wrong. She was too busy playing a video game that she had been playing for hours already. Too busy to even ask if something was wrong or if I was ok. 

I can’t blame her too much because she didn’t know what was going on with me but at that moment she just added to the feeling of worthlessness. I just continued to sit curled up in my blanket watching the show until I could pretend to be fine again the way my family liked it. 

If that wasn’t enough crazy for a day more was to come….

About an hour after all this happened the show we were watching mentioned how this week was Transgender Awarness Week. Gigi Gorgeous was the one talking about it and my mom asked me if she was transgender. I told her yes and thought that was going to be the end of the conversation. Again, I was wrong. She paused the tv and asked me “is that what (Sophia) wants to look like? He wants to go from a dorky little boy to looking like a prostitute.” 

I was speechless at what she said. I should just mention again that she doesn’t know about Sophia and I dateing. I told her that I don’t think she wants to look just like that but if she did I would still be friends with her. My grandma came in again and my mom asked her what she thought about the person on tv. My grandma said that she thinks it’s wrong for “people like that” to be on tv and that no one should dress like that. 

This was another moment where I thought about my life. I am completely in love with “a person like that.” I would do anything for her and yet my family says things like that. I am going to have to make the choice one day between who I want and I don’t want to.

That’s why I haven’t told my mom I’m dating even after almost 2 years. She would tell my grandma and they would think it’s wrong. I would get hours of lectures about how I don’t really love her like that and I how she will not like me after she “becomes a girl.” It would take a long time before Sophia and I could go to Christmas or thanksgiving together with my family and it not be awkward. 

You know what tho? I’ll be that person who shows up anyway because I love them both. I wouldn’t care what they say about me because I know I will have someone by my side who will not think of me like that. If they try to say anything about Sophia I will stand up for her because she her parents family has said enough bad things about her….

Sorry kinda got on a tangent… back to my night. 

I thought I was going to be done with all the crazy and just go to bed. I always help my mom get ready for the morning and we play a game together before I go in my room. While I was sitting in her room she told me that she really didn’t understand why I get my feelings hurt when grandma says things because I make her say them. I told her I don’t know how I make her say them and she told me that she says them because they are true. If I wasn’t mean to her then she wouldn’t say it. I asked her why my grandma wasn’t being mean by calling me names and her response was that I was asking for it because I know what happens if I say anything. Crying at this point again I said I just won’t talk to her so I won’t be asking for it. She didn’t like that ether because I would be rude and mean.  I don’t care because she’s going to think that no matter what I do. I can’t even ask her  a question without me doing something wrong. If I don’t say anything it won’t be wrong. 

So yeah….my day has been filled with lots of crying and just thinking about life. There are so many thoughts going through my head that even focusing to write this was hard but I couldn’t go to sleep with all my emotions trapped inside of me. 

Here’s to tomorrow being a better day

😢💤✌🏻️

Why America?

I am scared of what the future of my county will look like after what has happened.

• Being disabled I am worried about my future
• Being a part of the LGBT+ community I am worried about my future
• Being a woman I am worried about my future
• I am worried for the life me girlfriend will have because she is trans

I had an idea of what my future will be like and like everyone it has changed a few times. If you asked me yesterday what I thought my future would look like this is what I would have told you.

I will graduate college and find a job. Sophia and I would live together in a cute little studio apartment because we would always want to be together so why spend extra money for more space when we would just be together. We would save our money for Sophia to get surgery and whatever else she needed to transition. After her transition we would get married. If I had my way she would propose to me at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. We would ether get married on the skull of the skeleton art thing in The Fault in our Stars or some place outdoors covered in snow. Sophia and I would both where dresses but hers would be more of a mermaid or A=line style while I had a giant princess dress and we would live happily ever after.

Now I do not know if any of that will happen…and that is scary.

I want to live in a county where my girlfriend can live the life she wants, where I don’t have to worry about being able to get married to a woman, and I shouldn’t have to be worried because I was born with cancer and am now blind.

Really can we just think about what this county has done for a sec…. We elected someone to office who has publicly mocked a disabled person… someone who did not choice the life they have and should not be put down by the leader of the country.

In the end I did my part and can not change anything. The moon will set and the sun will rise and we can still find hope in the strangest of places.

XOXO

Lola

 

When do you stand up for what’s right vs just doing what’s easy?

And what is “right” anyway?
This is something I have been thinking about a lot over the past week because of a long list of reasons that I believe should not have occurred.

For the past year and a half I have been president of a group for blind students. This group is part of a larger group of the blind that has state chapters as well as national events. I have attended several events and have been actively involved with the group as a whole for about 8 years. Each year there is a state convention where speakers talk about topics concerning the blind community and the student chapter has a very prominent roll in the weekend holding a student lunch, business meeting breakfast, and a large social fundraising event.

Naturally as the student president I have spent months of time getting everything prepared. After hours on conference calls and hundreds of emails all I had to do was pack and get there safely.

This is where things get interesting…..

Wednesday

It was about 7-8 at night and I was just watching an episode of Real Housewives when I get a phone call from Avery (who is the state president of the organization I’m involved with). I answer the phone thinking she needs to finalize something before the weekend.

Oh how wrong I was….

She called to inform  me that “they” think it is best that I not run for student president again and “they” have already found someone who is willing and able to take over for me. I know she said more but all my energy was spent trying to conceal my crying (more like sobbing) so I have no idea what she said.

I am still mad over this phone call because it came out of the blue from a person who told me 2 months earlier how amazing I’m doing and even asking if I was interested in being on the state board. Then I just get a phone call saying they ALREADY found someone else while knowing I wanted to continue being president and WITHOUT EVEN GIVING ME A REASON!!!! It’s been a week and I’m still mad about it.

For the rest of the night I cried and felt horrible about myself thinking it was something I did yet not knowing what it could be. For a year and a half all I heard was how great I was doing from everyone so what changed?

Thursday

My mom was off work so she woke me up because she fixed lunch (mac and cheeses to be exact) and I needed to eat. I didn’t want to get out of bed at all but went to get food anyway. My mom knew I was still mad/upset/annoyed from the night before and said I should call someone and figure out why they wanted someone else. After about her 15th time saying it I listened and called Chloe who is also on the state board and I felt more comfortable talking to.

Our conversations went better than the one I had the night before but I still didn’t feel 100% ok. 

Chloe told me that she was not involved in the decision to find a new president but she was told about it. She explained that she thought they were telling me so 1. I wouldn’t be surprised the day of elections and more importantly 2. so I wouldn’t run and win.
Can we all just pause here and take a moment to agree that this is VERY wrong? They want me to NOT run because I WOULD WIN….how is that a bad thing?

I thought elections where there to let the people have a voice and be able to choice who they want to represent them….not a pre-planed dictatorship.

Back to the phone call…..

Chloe continued on to say that the other person they picked, Milly, would not understand that she lost because people know me more.

Let’s press that pause button again…..So the ADULTS in this group want a high school student to be president but she can’t handle losing so I don’t even get a chance to run. Again this is not making a lot of sense from a group of people consisting mostly of Lawyers…

I continue to be told that by Chloe that she thinks they chose now-of-all-times because I am still a student and would be around to help her learn the role and “create a smooth transition.” I’m all for a smooth transition but I do not see how it can be that smooth when you have no prior training on how to do the position you are assigned to do.

After the phone call I could not just let this go. I half way understood why they wanted a new president but I was still not okay with how this was being handled. I decided to send an email to Avery, Chloe, and Steph (another adult who helps with student issues) and explain to them how I believed that it might be better if I stay president and Milly be 1st VP and I could give her more of the responsibilities over a year then elect her president.

After I sent that email I has looking at my email every 10 min waiting for what the reply would say but I got nothing back all night.

Friday

This was going to be a crazy day anyway with the 5hr drive and the late night from hosting our karaoke night fundraiser…all the added stress and drama was only going to make it that much worse.

The day started off with waking up an hour and a half late because I ALWAYS end up waiting until the day before to pack anything and end up  only getting a few hours of sleep. After years of doing this I should learn to start packing earlier but I haven’t yet.Waking up late then leads to leaving late and then when you leave late you ALWAYS end up with something to make you even later.

All of that happened to me. I left late and then on the drive I hit some major traffic just as I received a text from Avery. She told me that I was invited to attend the dinner for the scholarship winners at 5pm. I was thrilled..it was the first good thing that had happened but it also came with some suspicion and stress. Why? I got the text at 4:33. I was given less than 30 min notice that I was invited to a dinner that has been planed since July….whatever.

As I said I was stuck in traffic so I was doing everything I can to get there in time. I pulled into the hotel parking lot at 4:55. This gave me 5 min to park, find an outfit in my suitcase that I could wear and change clothes…easy right? Lucky for me I had a coral skater dress sitting there waiting for me as soon as I opened my suit case. I grabbed that and a pair of black wedges and ran to a bathroom to change because I had no time to check in and go to my room.

I walked into dinner at 5:01!!! I have to give myself some props for that.

Dinner was uneventful. The food was uneatable but that is to be expected with hotel catering. After dinner was the karaoke fundraiser which turned into 3 hours of me running around doing the job of 5 people all by myself while the rest of the student board just talking with each other and doing nothing. What about Milly, the soon to be president, you may ask? She was sitting with her mom in the back of the room with none other than Avery.

That was really all that happened Friday.. Avery did not say one word to me the entire night. Chloe on the other hand talked to me for about 10 minutes about how well I was doing and how well the night was going.  The students on the board didn’t say anything to me ether but I think that has to do with me being crazy busy.

Saturday

Now this day is crazy and long.

My day started at 6:45am when my alarm went off to go to breakfast at 7. Breakfast was fine and after I went to the Starbucks in the lobby. I ran into a few of the other students that were on the student board and I asked them about elections. One said she wanted to continue being on the board then left to go talk to her boyfriend and the other told me she didn’t know if she was allowed to run. This I found very interesting and I asked why she felt that way. She told me that she heard from Milly that the board was already figured out on a phone call and she was not going to be on it.

A secret phone call? That is interesting… I thought we were going to hold an ELECTION on Sunday and elections are not a per-arranged thing.

This secret phone call thing had me wondering who else knew things I didn’t know. The next person I asked was my only friend on the board, Freddie.

My Convo with Freddie

Hey Freddie! Do you know what’s going on with elections tomorrow?

Not really…I thought things were going to stay about the same

So you don’t know anything about a secret phone call?

…..no…

Well apparently there was a phone call with Milly, Avery, and Steph about who will be on the board and I’m not even allowed to run for president because I would win

THAT IS NOT RIGHT AT ALL!!!!! IT IS IN OUR CONSTITUTION THAT ANYONE CAN RUN AND MILLY BRINGS UP OUR CONSTITUTION ALL THE TIME. THEY CAN’T DO THIS TO YOU…. So are you going to run anyway?

I don’t know…I want to run because I can but on the other hand if I run I don’t want Avery and Steph to get mad and do something against me

They can’t do anything to you because then they will look bad for messing with the election.

I felt goof to know that I wasn’t the ONLY person who didn’t know what was going on but it didn’t help me know what was really going on.

I went along acting like nothing was going on during the student lunch but after I had a meeting with more students to try to talk about the mess of an election. The girls I talked to both thought I should run even tho I was told not to so I was starting to really consider it. At that point I really didn’t care what anyone there thought of me because they were all two faced people I lost all respect for. Before I was 100% set on my choice to run I wanted to talk to one more person to see what he thought of the whole thing.

I asked Mike to come up to my room before dinner so that I could talk to him and that was all that I told him. When he came I just asked him what he knew about the elections tomorrow and he said that he was going to nominate Milly for president. I was done with the conversion at that point and just wanted him to leave. Instead I acted like a bigger person and asked him why. His response was he didn’t think I wanted it.. Really now?!?!? You didn’t think I wanted it? If I didn’t want to be president I would have never been president. I said many times that I wanted it and the ideas I had for the following years and not one word from anyone. He kept talking for about 10 min before he left but I didn’t believe a single word he said.

I did make one mistake while he was there and that was mention how I was thinking about running against Milly.

This was clear the moment I walked into the area for dinner and saw Mike talking to Milly and her mom. At that moment I knew I couldn’t trust anyone and everything I thought about the organization I believed in was nothing but a joke. I was walking back to my room because I was already crying and I knew I could not handle being at dinner. As I was waiting for the elevator Freddie was there and gave me a much needed pep talk so I, again, acted like the bigger person and went to dinner. I was told that all the students where going to sit together but when Freddie and I go to the table they were sitting with some older people and had only saved a set for Freddie. I told her to just sit there and I would go to my room but she declined the spot at the “cool table” and sat with me.

Dinner was uneventful because it was full of speeches and awards. The real drama started after dinner.

I got a text from Steph asking what room the students where going to meet in because she wanted to come. I knew something was up because I had been going to these student meetings after dinner for years now and adults NEVER come. I told her we were going to meet in Freddie’s room and invited the rest of the students.

Here is my record of what happened…

Steph OK so we have elections in the morning. Milly you will be president. Freddie you will continue to be first vp. Are you ok with that?

Freddie Yeah that’s fine

Steph Great!!! Now 2nd VP. Becky said she wanted to keep this position but I don’t think she would be good..

Milly I think she shouldn’t be it because she dose not come to meetings and shes not even here now

Steph I talked to her and she said she will attend more. I also heard from Chloe that Lola wanted to be 2nd VP. Is that something you want?

Me Whatever you guess want I guess

Mike Do you have the time to do it?

We are going to pause here for a second. Did he really just ask if I had the time to be 2nd VP? Did he not notice that I had been president for the last year and a half or did he just not know how much work that really takes. Ether way he was already dead to me but he knew where to stab me again.

Milly Yeah Lola I’ll even nominate you. I really don’t want Becky on the board any more.

Me I’ll do whatever you want Milly since I guess it will be your board

Freddie Lola why don’t you tell everyone how you feel

Me Oh Freddie you are funny. If everyone wants me to be 2nd vp I’ll do it.

Steph OK so then we have MIke and Alice keeping there positions. Next is my board seat. I’m going to assume you want me to stay on the board although anyone can run against me. Then we have Milly’s old seat to fill. I think Cat would be good for that.

Time out again…. Did one of the people telling me that I couldn’t run for president again just say anyone could run against her???? At that point I was done with them all and if I wasn’t sitting in the back corner of the hotel room I would have left right then.

Cat I think now is a good time to join the student board now that I have a handle on school and living on my own.

Steph There is one other seat and I think it would be good if we give that to a scholarship winner and that is it. Does anyone else have anything to say?

Milly What time works best for everyone for our meetings because I have the national student calls during the same time.

This was the moment I stopped listening and just cried. Milly had been acting as president for who knows how long and I was the only one who didn’t know. The whole thing was a joke and fake.

That night I went back to my room and just cried until I fell asleep not knowing what I was going to do in the morning.

Sunday

This is it. I just had to get through the breakfast without sobbing or yelling at anyone and I could go home.

I had decided that I was not going to run for any position because I didn’t want to relive everything every time I was on a call and had to take orders from Milly.

When I got down to breakfast I saw all the students sitting together and didn’t save a spot for me. I was fine with that and sat at a table as far away from them as I could. I didn’t even ask them if they wanted me to run the meeting like the president should do. I figured if they tell me to do it I will but if they don’t it would be best for me.

Mike found someone to run the elections so I was off the hook. He started by telling everyone how elections work and when he was going though the positions someone was already trying to nominate Milly for president. The worst part is that is wasn’t even a student. Milly was the only one nominated and Chloe said we should vote in Lola as president. The whole room yelled Milly when she said my name. I started sobbing right then and went to the bathroom so I could cry in peace.

I stayed in there until elections where over and I got a phone call from Chloe. She said she had heard that I left the meeting crying and wanted to ask if I was okay. I told her I was fine and then she told me that she was going to call me in the next few weeks because she wanted to talk to me.

After the phone call I went to my room and took a nap until it was time to check out.

 

So that was my weekend…. I really have lost all respect for an organization that I believed in what they stood for and the only reason I am not giving up on them completely is because of Chloe. I hate how the whole thing was rigged from the beginning and everyone spent a year and a half straight up lied to my face about “what a good job I was doing” and “how I can really go placed within the group.”

The only good thing that came out of the weekend was now I don’t have to spend hours of  my weekend running a meeting and planing all the events. If anyone has actually read this whole thing thank you and I’m sorry

XOXO

 

 

 

 

 

Life…

Or at least I think? 
After spending a chuck of time going back and reading my old posts I decided to do a life update. 

I guess the biggest change is that I’m back at home after another failed attempt at college. I’m planing on going back in the summer so hope is not lost (yet). There was a lot of little things that built up that caused me to fail again but it’s just all part of learning. My problem with college is 100% the social aspect of it. I had the highest grade in my physics class and went to class maybe four times a month. I failed the lab tho because you had to have a lab partner and the anxiety became too much. 

So that’s the school situation for now. I have accepted it because there is no reason to worry and be upset about something you can’t change. 

My relationship is something I am super proud of tho 😊

I am in the SAME RELATIONSHIP WITH THE SAME AMAZING GIRLFRIEND FOR OVER A YEAR AND A HALF!!!!!! Ahhhhh I can’t even believe it sometimes. I was calling her Niki but is now Sophia which fits her so much better. Niki is a slightly harsher name and was pretty gender neutral. We tried out a few names before we decided on Sophia but it fits her perfectly. It is such a soft, feminine name that matches her personality. That same personality is one big reason why I am shocked we have been dating this long without a catastrophe happening. I think we have only been in one legit fight that lated about 12 hr (and was more of a misunderstanding that turned into something bigger) and ended with us on the phone crying and saying I love you for the first time (for this attempt and dating) and probably the first one I whole heartedly ment. I don’t really know what happened but that night I knew I wanted to be with her forever. 

We are having a few bumps along the way because we are still in a long distance relationship. It just sucks when you don’t even know the next time you will see the person you want to spend all your time with.  The other thing is our parents still don’t know we’re dating. Well my family 100% doesn’t know. I think her parents know or at least highly suspect something is up. 

There is so much more to write but for now it’s time for bed. I want to be able to FaceTime Sophia as much as I can tomorrow. 

✌🏻️💜🤓

I lost count on how many times I’ve tried this blogging thing at this point….

Well here I am again and if there is ever a time to start blogging again now is as good as any.

So why am I even doing this again????

The simple answer to that is my girlfriend. After a long night of me exploding like some sort of emotional volcano to her at 2am she asked why I didn’t blog anymore. Before that moment I honestly half forgot I even had a blog. 

So your next question is probably why now? 

Again the simple answer is my girlfriend. (Don’t tell her but she is smarter then me at times) I think she was right and writing about stuff when it happens will (hopefully) help me not become an emotional volcano. 

As to why I picked right now is just because I had two cups of Starbucks this afternoon and I can’t sleep. There’s not much to do at 4:29 am. I already spent several hours researching dog food brands attempting to find a better food for my dog. It was going well untill I went to Amazon…then I got distracted….On the up side I did get some Christmas gifts and a Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them hoodie which I 100% needed for when I go and see the movie THAT COMES OUT IN LESS THAN A MONTH!!!!!!! So naturally after online shopping blogging is everyone’s first choice. 

Wow I really kinda did miss this. 

I will catch you up later about what has happened in the past year+ but now it’s time to charge the laptop. All the shoping takes a toll on an unsuspecting laptop. 

✌🏻️💜🤓

You Should Read This.

Yes you…. This is something different for me rebloging someone elses work, but this is amazing. The way I found this was by friends of posting about it on Facebook. I read it one night and I felt like she was speaking to me.

I had cancer when I was younger and I have felt like it is something that should not affect me still but it does. My father also had cancer when he was younger and my grandparents decided to remove his eyes instead of going through with chemo and radiation.

I never really understood why they did that since everyone has treatment. You never think about how far along cancer treatment has come in 30 years to make it possible.

Embrace Your Scars

September 4th is right around the corner. It is Childhood cancer awareness day. 41 years ago I was diagnosed with stage 3B Hodgkins. I was 7 years old. I was a guinea pig on experimental drugs while suffering from shingles and then viral meningitis. My years of treatment included radiation and chemotherapy cocktails created from the same serum mustard gas used in WWII, and the Pink Periwinkle flower from Madagascar. Cancer treatment was archaic in the 70s. Brutal. I watched all of my little Leukemia and brain tumor friends die. I am the only child who survived our group.

 

I was left with huge physical and emotional scars. Radiation left me sterile. I never went through puberty. My teenage years were hell. I was pulled out of P.E. and got breast implants at age 16 because teasing was so bad. At age 21 I was diagnosed with Thyroid…

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Is Fried Chicken BBQ Food???? – Day 2

Today went better than I expected it to go from this morning. It started with all of my roombuddies gone hanging out and catching up with there firends…which is to be expected. I was just super bored all day. Like I didn’t know what to do. I decided to just color some and facetime with Niki (which funny enough might not be called Niki but more on that developing story later.)

I was suppose to go to a transfer student event but couldn’t find where it was. The thing with my school that I have a bit of a love hate relationship with is our student center. It is GREAT because it literally has everything in it. The basement is the cafeteria plus bowling, pool, hair salon and an arcade. The main floor has two coffee shops, other food options, the bookstore, a convenience store, the offices for student leadership, organizations, and greek life, the main event room and the middle is a giant pit where more-times-than-not something is going on. There is also an upstairs but I don’t quite know what is up there. There is another building that is attached that holds student health, the disability office and a few other things.

All of this in one place is AMAZING but also means that there are TONS of people in there. I could not find where this stupid thing was. After 30 min of looking I just gave up and came back to my room. I knew we were going to have a back to school BBQ that night but at this point I didn’t even know if I wanted to go or not. I was just chilling out in my room when one of my roomies asked if I wanted to go with her to the BBQ. Free food was a plus and trying to be nice I was totally in.

Now when I heard the word BBQ I thought we were going to have like hotdogs and hamburgers. LIke isn’t that what everyone has at a BBQ? I guess here the BBQ food of choice is fried chicken. I’m cool with fried chicken it just wasn’t what I was expecting. They also were kinda out of chicken by the time we got up to the line and we were in the middle. I guess no one actually thought people would show up but if you offer free food to college students WE WILL COME.

School actually starts tomorrow which is kinda excited but scary at the same time. I didn’t look up my teachers or classes so I’m going in blind….lol blind…I made a punny.

Night Y’all

XOXO Princess Cy-I