Just a boring post about my boring day

Tiday was one of those blah days. Like I just don’t know how else to describe it. 

This morning I did go and get my cap and gown for graduation…in May… I don’t quite get why I need it so early but whatever. I guess that’s kinda exciting. It’s nothing that fancy because I’m still going to go to university in the fall but it’s all about baby steps people 🙂 

I also got to go out with my dad. Telling you about my dad is a post for another day. Tonight wasn’t that bad tho and I got some good food out of it. 

I would write more but I have a macro econ test tomorrow that I need to study for. Let’s all send good vibes to me so I can pass

How much can one person take?!?!?

Almost everyone in the word has there own unique relationship with there parents and family. I’ve lived with my mom and grandma my whole life so I haven’t exactly grew up in a normal household. 

I’ve always been an opinionated person and have said what I thought. This haven’t been a problem with my mom but my grandma dosent like it. My grandma thinks she is always right no matter what it is. I have gotten into many arguments with her over the past few months because of really stupid things. 

The main topic we have had many arguments over (and my mom has banned  me from talking about) is Lent. Now my grandma is a hard core catholic. She prays everyday for hours and has a prist come to the house twice a week. I went through Sunday school as a kid but haven’t been to church in years. This dosent mean that I don’t believe in God but I just don’t believe in all the rules that Catholics have. I personally don’t understand how one person can say what you can and can’t eat for one day. Like what did cows do to God? Then what makes fish special enough to be eaten. 

I know people will say it’s in the bible but there is lots of things that don’t quit fit life today. Back in the time of the bible we stoned people, now we know there is other ways of punishment. Society evolves and grow and change. This is a healthy thing to do. 

I think another issue I have with church is them saying who you can and cannot love. This is another problem I have with the same base issue of lent. I don’t like them saying what you can and can’t do.  Love is something even more complex than what you eat. 

Even if I was straight I still wouldent approve of them saying lgbt people are wrong. To me it’s the same thing as saying having blond hair is a sin. 

Besides religion my grandma likes to nit pick about stupid things. I asked her to turn down the TV and got yelled at. When I told her it was because I had a headache she just called me a lying pile of poop (she used other words). I don’t like feeling like I have to watch what I say in my own house. To me my home should be the one place I am allowed to say whatever I want and feel safe enough to do so. Lately I have to be even more sheltered at home. 

My mom dosent help me much ether. She tried to back me up but her solution is to have me not talk about controversial topics. I hate that I have a list of topics I can even talk about because it offends my grandma. Yet she can say whatever she wants to (and about) me because she is older than me. I don’t believe age has to do with being rude. 

Dreams Turn into Nightmares too Quick

So I had the worst nightmare after one of the best dreams today. It was one of those dreams where everything seems so real and you can remember every little detail of it 

The dream started where Niki surprised me by coming to some kind of party for me. It was such a good time being with her. We hung out and had an amazing time with all my friends. Then things started to get odd. 

I don’t remember what happened exactly but I know I started to get annoyed at him. After I wasn’t mad anymore I went back to look for her and couldent find her at all. I asked my mom and said that she had left. I was so upset that I wasted the little bit of time with her that I followed her back to her house. 

When I got there I could hear Niki arguing with her parents about wanting to move out and be with me. Her parents said that I wasn’t good enough of a person and she had to stay there until she can find someone who is better. Niki was getting so upset that I just knew something bad was going to happen. 

Then she found some weird gun thing and shot her parents. She was about to shoot herself but I woke up then. 

I know this was just a dream but all day I can’t stop thinking about it. I haven’t had a dream that real or scary since my meds were changed. When I was on a higher amount of Prozac i would have dreams of me or people I loved dying anytime I would sleep. 

I don’t even know what caused me to have the dream in the first place. I haven’t talked to Niki in a few weeks because she has been busy. I guess it could be that I haven’t talked to her and now I’m starting to think the worst has happened. 

I just want to know she is safe and as happy as can be. Long distance relationships are hard enough but knowing that they are suffering makes it so much worse. It’s like watching a train wreck happening in slow motion. Your helpless, scared, and worried yet there is nothing you can do. 

Oh How I Love Sleep…

Its Monday which for me normally consistes of waking up at 6:45 for my 8am Calculus III class. Well today I woke up to the lovely surprise of class being canceled. 

Having class canceled is always a great thing but what makes this time even better is it is the first day back after spring break. Now I get to spend another 2 days sleeping in. 

This is just a great ending to a pretty good break. I spent time at my grandparents house, got a mani/pedi, got some new clothes, and got some new knitting needles. All in all a pretty good week off. The only thing that could of made it better would have been spending some time with my friends but I guess you can’t get everything. 

This week will hopefully be ok. I have three tests so it’s not an easy week back to school. I also haven’t been taking my medicine for a few days so I’ve been super stressed and anxious even thinking about taking them. Hopefully I will feel better by Wednesday. 

Pi Day…More Like Wedding Day….

So first of all HAPPY PI DAY 🙂 Im a huge nerd and have celebrated Pi day since 6th grade. We would always have pie in math class and it was nothing but a giant fun day. I guess being a nerd makes you friends with other nerds who also like Pi day. Obviously the nerdiest (and therefore the best) day for a wedding is today. 

I know 5 people getting married today. I am thrilled for them but at the same time it makes me think about my life and future. 

List of things going through my mind today 

1. Am I going to get married ever
2. Who am I going to marry. Like is it going to be a guy or a girl if I do even do it. 
3. What will happen to my life when I’m older. Am I going to turn into some person who is only obsessed with work of more of a family person. 
4. Do I even want kids?
5. Why am I even thinking of this

Needless to say it was an interesting day in my head today. 

I think the main reason I’m thinking like this is bacause I’m lonely. I wish I was with someone who loves me unconditionally and just be with them forever. Normally I think people talking about love and marriage just is annoying.

Things changed a little after Niki brought up how she can see us getting married one day. She can think of us living together and having a little happily ever after moment. I can’t believe that someone can like me enough to say that. I don’t even like myself that much sometimes. I guess that is part of love. The person you are with can love you more than you love yourself sometimes. 

I also had to babysit today which didn’t help much with not thinking of my future life. I’m like playing with her but like it that I can leave. I think it’s a good think I never had a boyfriend in high school because I could never handle being a teen mom. Knowing my luck I would be the one girl to get prego because of some random thing too. 

I just hope my life will be ok. I want to have enough money, live in a nice area, and most importantly not be lonely. I just want to ether be with someone or have a good group of friends where I can be in a good space. 



To Tell or Not to Tell…. That is the Question

After reading my last post I’m sure it semes like I am very open about my relationship with Niki and who I am. This isn’t quite true. Everything I said was true that I love her and I don’t think love should matter on gender.

The thing is, no one knows about our relationship besides the two of us. This didn’t bother me much the other times we have dated however I think it needs to be out in the open to last. This may sound like a simple problem to fix but it brings along a lot of other potential problems with it. 

The big one for me is having to come out to my family. I have thought about doing it for a little while now but there is a few things that stop me every time. 

1. I don’t exactly know what I am. I don’t want to walk up to my mom and be like “hey I’m not straight but I really don’t know what I am” She would probably be a little supportive yet at the same time think it was just a faze because I haven’t had a boyfriend  
2. My family. I am close with my grandparents and I know they would not approve of it. One of my grandmas are catholic and think it’s a sin. She can’t even stand to watch any kind of show with it in it. My other grandparents would probably be ok with the idea at first but couldent accept the fact that Niki is a girl. 
3. Having to answer the question of how I know. I don’t have a good answer to that without going into details and in turn getting myself into trouble. 

All of these are big obstacles I have to get over before I can stop hiding. 

I hate the feeling of keeping this huge part of my life secret from everyone. All I want to do is shout it out and the run away so I woulden’t have to answer questions afterwards. I just wish I could talk to someone who could help me come out. I just want all the secrets to be over with.  



…But To Me, Love is Love…

I think it is time to talk about my relationship. This is a complicated topic for me because I don’t have much experience in the area and right now it’s complicated. 

Now my history with dating is like this. I never have really had a serious dating relationship with anyone. I never was the girl to like guys all the time ether. The first time I ever liked a guy was my freshman year of high school. It was the stereotypical crush situation where I started to like my best guy friend. It was just a crush. 

After my little crush nother happened until the summer before my junior year. I met a guy at camp who liked me and made it very clear. I just went along with it because I knew we woulden’t see each other after that. We did talk after camp and keep a “relationship” going…until he told me he was gay. Now we’re friends. 

A year after that is where I have to say my current relationship story starts. 

I was at a camp for blind teens and was sitting at a table with this person who I found out I use to go to school with. We started to go to school toghter in preschool and continued through elementary school when I moved. We became friends again during the camp and continued to talk after. We have talked (almost) everyday since we met again that day at camp. 

Now this seams like the perfect relationship story but this is where it gets a bit more complicated. My friend told me there deepest secret one night and things haven’t been the same since. This secret was that they were Transgender. The person I had known since I was 3 told me they really are a different person. 

So what dose a senior in high school do? I didn’t even think that much of it and said,

To me you will always be the kid I grew up with and your Best Friend. I don’t choose my friends because they are a boy or a girl. I am friends with people who are real, honest, funny, unique, and treat others the way they would want to be treated. If I met a three eyed orange alien who I liked there personality I would be friends with them….

And that is the truth. I choose my friends based on their personality. I’ve always been the kid who didn’t fit in and I don’t want others to feel the same way. The only thing that changed between us is that I now call her Niki. The only bad thing? I always put an extra k in it lol 😉 

During college we got super close and tried to have a long distance relationship. It lasted for about 9mo but she was in a Christian school so it was like dating a guy. This was our second time trying to date and the breakups were killers. The second time I got dumped and I was also seriously depressed. I didn’t eat or talk to one person for at least 3 days. The only reason I didn’t do something to harm myself was because I knew if something happened to me, she would die. 

After a few months we got back to being friends again and I still had those deep feelings that at the time I didn’t know what they were. Time continued to go on and a few months ago she came and lived with me and my family for a month. 

During this month I discovered what love was. I found how wonderful it is to have someone by your side at all times that has your best interest in their heart. I got my first meaningful kiss. I learned how wonderful the feel of another persons skin can be. It was something my whole life I never thought would happen to me. I have to admit I’m a little bit of a selfish person and never cared about other people’s feeling that much. That is the one thing that makes Niki different than every other person. I care more about how she feels sometimes that what I think or feel. 

Now that she has left and is back home things are harder than before she came.

Every other long distance relationship was fine because I didn’t know the physical part of it. Now I want to hug her. I also feel like we are becoming less and less connected. I honesty don’t think we are because we have talked about it (then again this is our third time dating) but it’s more of the fact that we don’t get to talk all the time. We were a part of each others everyday life and now who knows what the other person is doing. 

Another thing that changed is how I think of myself. Now I have never been that thrilled about labels. I think people should just love whoever they want. It’s what makes them happy. You don’t tell a person what kind of food they need to like so who should you tell people who they can and can’t love. 

With this concept of love tho I never thought about what “group” I was in. As I said earlier I only really liked one guy and he was my best friend. I always figured I never was going to be in a relationship because of the lack-of-trust I have with people. After years and years of intense bullying making friends wasn’t something I enjoyed. As I got to the end of my junior year of high school my mom would ask me if I was lesbian every now and then. I would quickly say now and she would always follow with “no matter what I will love you” At the time I seriously thought it was a no since I never liked a girl. 

Now If my mom asked me this question I don’t know what the honest answer is. What do you call someone who is in love with a person who isn’t a set boy or girl. Yes she is a girl to me but I don’t love her any more or less because of that. I love her because she makes me feel good. If god forbid something happen to her and I had to find someone else to date I would want someone who makes me feel the same way I do with her. It can be a boy, girl, mtf, ftm, or whatever they want to be. I don’t care as long as they are who they are and we love each other. 

So when someone asked me who I am I don’t have a “real” answer for them because I don’t have a real answer for myself. However I can say that I’m in love with the most beautiful, wonderful, and caring girl I have ever know ❤ 



Please leave comments 🙂 I want to know what you guys are thinking. 

There’s This Thing About Quotes…

I have always loved movies that have at least a few lines that I can quote. Some of the lines are just pure silliness but others are these sentences that can change you. It can finally put some feeling you have into words or make you feel understood when you don’t even know who you are anymore. 

For me reading John Green books have made me feel like I belong. Each one I read there is a part I connect to. The one book in particular that I have connected with the most and have quotes all over from is The Fault in our Stars. This book is my life. I am Hazle and Gus and a lot of Isaac. Now most people see this as a love story between Hazle and Gus, however to me it is more of a reflection of what cancer dose to a person. It changes the way you think of yourself and complicates every aspect of your life.

Quotes also help when you are in the crossroads of life. I’m not talking about the unoriginal ones that say “follow your heart” but the ones that are just vague enough to help you pick out the meaning you want from them. A good example of this is song lyrics. There is a meaning that the artist intended but you can create it to fit your own needs as you listen to it. 

Some people may thing I’m boring or uncreative because I quote things. This is just because there is no other way to express some feelings. They become a part of you like a best friends who knows your heart.  

My Rock Bottom

Before I get to where I am now it would be good to talk about the past.

I started my freshman year of college in the fall of 2012. I was double majoring in architecture and Fashion merchandising, a honers student, and involved in a few groups on campus. My problem was that I treated myself like Rapunzel. I locked myself into my room and never left besides class. A big part of this was the experience I had my first two weeks. I took everyone’s advice and just showed everyone who I was. I was upfront with everyone about my blindness and used my cane when I needed it. Now this might seem like a normal thing for people to do but not me. From 4th grade to the day I graduated High School I tried to hide the fact that I couldn’t see from everyone. I would fake being able to see things and never use a can unless I was at camp.

What happened when I took everyone’s advice and was myself is something I would like to call “The Bubble Effect.”

Bubble Effect

(noun)

1. The creation of a safe space between a person using a long

white cane and the general public. (see also parting of the sea)

Whenever I went anywhere while using my cane a 3ft radius circle formed around me. I gave it a few tries and it continued to happen and eventually people just started to call me the blind girl. Something about being in a new place where you know not one person and being called names affected me more than it should of.For the rest of my first semester the only time I left my room was to go to class, eat, or laundry. The rest of the time I just would talk to my mom.

I thought my second semester would be better. I had a 4.0 after the first semester so I figured I must have done something right…. I was wrong. I started the semester off with the intent to push myself a little more and try to make a few friends. I was in two lecture classes so I figured I could find at least one new person to talk to. This was a nice hope I had. My first day I went into the class and couldn’t even pay attention to what was going on because it felt like the whole room was just staring at me. That was the last day I walked into a lecture class. I knew I was smart so I only went to the discussion groups and figured I would be fine. This was enough school problems for me to deal with for a semester, but my architecture teacher added more, One day in the middle of the semester he asked me to stay after class and told me that I should think about finding a new major because I would never get a job because I was blind. This killed me inside. From that day on I just gave up on school for the most part. I still took tests and major projects but that was it. I didn’t even go to the dining hall to eat to avoid running into people from my classes because they would ask where I was. I would just eat ramen in my room and watch tv. The day I left was the happiest day ever.

Now you would think this story would continue on to me never going back again right. NOPE. I had a great summer at home and figured it was just where I was staying and my major. So I went back to the same school for my sophomore year living on the other side of campus and only majoring in Fashion merchandising. Everything just picked right back up from where they were and continued to spiral out of control. It was so bad throughout the semester that I would have anxiety and panic attacks as I was trying to leave my room for any reason. I wouldnt eat for days, never talked to my mom, and couldnt sleep in fear of the fire alarm going off in the middle of the night. It was such a dark time in my life.

When I came home for winter break I still couldnt find the confidence inside myself to tell my mom that I didn’t want to go back until a week before. I really wouldn’t say I told her ether… it was more of an emotional breakdown where she was talking about what I was going to do and I started sobbing and told her. She was super supportive and allowed me to stay home to get myself better. Going down with my mom to my dorm room to pack it up was one of the worst days in history.

After coming home in January of 2014 I found out that I have anxiety disorder along with depression. This isn’t something that I think defines who I am, however its just a way to label the way my brain works. I am in college majoring in Math at a community college and plan to try the real college experience in the fall.

If JK Rowling can take the worst part of her life and turn herself into who she is now than I can too. This was my rock bottom and now I can build upon  it.

Third Time is the Charm (or at least that is what they say)

Whoever said that life got easier as you go along was a joke. It gets harder in ways you would never think it could. You do things you said you would never do and sometimes become a person you do  not even know anymore. This is what growing up has done to me. I am a constantly changing blob of blood and guts that is still trying to fix the bad parts and label the good ones.

This year is my third time doing a lot of things a never thought (or honesty wanted) to do again. I will be going to my third college, living with three other people for the first time,I started dating the same person for the third time, and only three years out of high school. This will be the year of the three so why not add trying to blog for the third time. I read somewhere that it takes 21 days to create a habit. I will give it my all for that time and create a memory of my life starting at 21.

So people of internet land? Are you ready to go on this journey with me through the life of a blind girl just trying to make it in this crazy world?